A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece about how kink is not a competition. You don’t have to live up to what other people consider extreme, and it’s okay to pass on play partners whose interests aren’t compatible with yours.
In other words, play to your edge, not someone else’s.
Unfortunately, the example I used was of a man I saw play once. He was playing in a way that didn’t interest me, and I walked away.
Since that writing, I’ve had more than one person caution against such an approach. People can have more than one play style, I was informed, be skilled in many types of play. If you get to know them, you might find you’re compatible after all.
It’s an equally important point and one that I learned over time. From the beginning, my m.o. was to get to know people, watch them play a few times, and then decide whether I wanted to play with them. Which is why I made the snap judgment on someone I only saw once. Maybe if we had gotten to know each other, we could have found common ground.
Maybe not. I’m not really interested in arguing hypotheticals.
Further, interests evolve over time. What’s a limit today may not be a limit a year from now. Which is not to say that you should be pressured to do something you don’t want to do. Some limits don’t change, and that’s okay too. I for one will never want to play with electricity. Other people love it and that’s great for them. But it’s not something I’m ever going to consent to.
Having said that, there are types of play I never could have imaging wanting to participate in when I first started. Hell, all I was sure of was that I wanted to be tied up. Had I stopped there, and decided that was all I wanted to do, I would have missed out on the joys of fire, knives, and impact play.
Few people are static in their approach to kink. I dare say that’s the way it should be. There are so many possibilities, I would encourage everyone to explore as many as you can. With as many people as you like.
You never know what you might learn.