When my first kinky relationship ended, plenty of people expressed surprise. We had been together more than a year, were both in leadership, and attended lots of events together. We were something of a niche celebrity couple.
But the surprise wasn’t because we had broken up. It was that we had been together in the first place.
This shocked me.
If we had been so wrong for each other – and looking back, there was no shortage of issues – why hadn’t anyone said anything sooner? These were good friends, friends who fully supported me in the aftermath, and helped me heal.
Because I wouldn’t have believed them.
I’ve seen it since. And it sucks to watch someone be with someone you know isn’t right for them. But the truth is, you don’t know what’s really going on between them. I went on to watch my ex date people far different from me. I assumed they were compatible in ways we hadn’t been. I told myself they must have been a better fit for him that I was.
And then I watched the patterns play out. I watched him treat others the exact same way he had treated me. Even as mutual friends told me, “Oh, but he’s changed so much,” I couldn’t jump on the bandwagon. “Maybe so,” I told them. “But he has to prove it to me.”
He hasn’t. In fact, he’s become infinitely worse. But that’s a completely different topic for a day that may never come.
My point is that some lessons need to be learned the hard way. Some truths have to be seen firsthand. Because we will always make excuses for those we love. We will rationalize anything because how could we possibly love a bad person?
It happens all the time. And when you’re out of that situation, you berate yourself for having been in it in the first place. But who would you have believed? What could anyone have said to make it more real?
Find your family. Find your support and learn to move on. Because, to one degree or another, we’ve all been there.