Monthly Archives: February 2017

The Power of Being Present

“Wanna snuggle?” he asked.

Yes, I certainly did.

He was one of the biggest name presenters at my local kink group’s annual, weekend event. And I had won a scene with him in the celebrity auction. We had just gotten back from dinner and were both experiencing a bit of a food coma. Further, it had been a long day for both of us.

So, rather than try to force a scene that neither of us really had the energy for, we spent a quiet hour together in intimate conversation. We listened. We laughed. We heard.

Afterwards, someone approached me and said they were disappointed they hadn’t gotten to see me and this other person play. I understood their attitude, but what we had shared had been better. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

Years later, this remains one of my favorite times that I have spent in a dungeon.

There is a time for heavy beatings, strict bondage, service and protocols, bruises and cuts. And there is a time to simply be present. To spend time with each other, listen, and connect.

Balance, as one of my characters would say, is key.







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Late to the party and my privilege is showing

I finished season four of Orange is the New Black last weekend and, naturally, I immediately went in search of a new series to binge watch. I started a couple of other Netflix shows only to abandon them just as quickly.


I find I’m bored of watching a bunch of white people do a bunch of white people things.

I’m also aware of how long this discontent has been around for other people. I was in college when Friends was at its peak. I watched it though I was never very devoted to it. And I remember hearing people even then complain that there weren’t any black people on it (and don’t tell me about Aisha Tyler because she was on for exactly 9 episodes – I looked it up). I watched Frasier and Will and Grace and heard similar complaints.

Intellectually, I got it. Or thought I did. Yes, I would have said at the time, there probably should be more black people on television but what about BET? And why do we have to make everything about race? Why can’t there be whole shows of white people?

Sometimes, I am really ashamed of my younger self.

Over the past few months, I have been riveted by series like Luke Cage, How to Get Away with Murder, and now Orange is the New Black. And, um, there really is no going back. These shows are more interesting precisely because of their diversity, because the characters of color are not only prevalent, but don’t generally conform to the usual stereotypes. On How to Get Away with Murder, the black girl was the prissy, uptight, moneyed one. Nice to see actually.

Luke Cage made me see television completely differently. What if every show looked like that? What if it was the white character who was the token who died mid-series because he was stupid and expendable?

Orange is the New Black had a little of everything, and not just in skin tones – straight women, lesbians, “gay for stay” women who are only lesbians while in jail. It even explored kink and polyamory. Hot damn. How do we get more of all of that on television?

It’s not just intellectual anymore. I need more diversity in my entertainment.

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